How Harry Potter Should have Ended

By Dozy. 24/03/09, 02:52 pm

As Good As It's Going To Get.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, yada, yada, yada. . . .
“Voldemort with this, your reign of terror will be brought to an end and your ashes scattered to the unforgiving winds.” Readying the strike that would exterminate the worlds most hated wizard Harry heard a polite little cough behind him.
The sort of cough that has been made by someone who wishes to alert the listener politely to their presence. Harry looked to see a gray little man in a gray little suit who was standing at his shoulder.
“I’m sorry to interrupt.” Harry looked down at Voldemort who looked as puzzled as himself, if that’s what the look meant it was hard to tell, what with him having no nose.
“Yes.”
“You are one Mr. Harry Potter, late of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”
“Yes.”
"Mr. Harry Potter, otherwise known as the boy-that-lived.”
“Yes, why?” The little man reached into a leather briefcase and removed from within a sheaf of papers.
“I am here on behalf of the law firm Drisscoll, Drisscoll, and Drisscoll. With an injunction halting any plans you may have of killing, devastating, murdering, eradicating, crushing, and or, redeeming, saving, liberating, or absolving one Lord Voldemort a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, a.k.a., He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
With a soot stained face Harry finally turned to face the lawyer. “What are you talking about, he’s Voldemort, he killed my parents, he has led his followers on a rampage, murdering muggles up and down the country, and his favourite hobby is drowning kittens. How can you stop me?”
The little gray man coughed again, “Mr. Potter I represent F.A.R, (Fan-girls Against Resolution.)”
Voldemort, who had been waiting to have his head scattered over a fifty meter radius, took advantage of Harry’s distraction and made to wriggle off.
“Just wait on a moment.” Distractedly he put a foot down on Voldemort's robe before he could crawl away.
"Who are F.A.R?”
“Well if you’ll just look at the document sir, you will see that my employers do not wish for you to finish the series.”
“Isn’t seven years enough. Can’t I have a normal bloody life.”
“Well my employers want more, in fact they are moving for a further seven years with an option for extending the series for a further seven books.”
“You can’t do this.”
“Mr. Potter if you will check the documents you will see that I can.” Harry looked down at the rather thick pile of documents and sped through them.
“But, . . Oh. . . , “ With each noise Harry sounded more tired.
“As you can see all the paperwork is in order, and has been filed with the appropriate bodies. in duplicate.” Forgetting the battle raging around him Harry sighed. He wasn’t a lawyer but he knew legalese when he saw it.
“But I’m the boy-that-lived?”
“Quite correct Mr. Potter and if you look on page 567, sub clause a, paragraph d, you can continue being the boy that lived at specially arranged events.”
“What about Voldemort?” This was said in a small whine.
The lawyer brought forth another clump of papers.
“I am glad you mentioned that Mr. Potter, as these are for him." The thought never crossed their minds that they could make this little man disappear and all that would be left would be a greasy smear on the grass.
"Mr. Lord Voldemort, I am here on behalf of my clients V.I.J.M.A.H.R.N.I.A B.H.R. (Voldemort Is Just Misunderstood and All He Really Needs Is a Big Hug, Really.)"
The man who was voted most likely to join the American postal service by his class mates looked over the paper work from his prone condition under Harry's boot.
"This say's I have to grow a nose, and what's this about mascara?"
"My clients believe that the lack of eyebrows distracts from your inherently softer side." Even Voldemort was surprised by this remark.
"What softer side, didn't you listen? I killed his parents."
"Yeah, and he drowns kittens." The little man clicked his tounge against his teeth.
"If sir will refer to page 768, section c, you will find that the documents are binding."
"But we haven't signed anything."
"If you will keep reading down the page in section e, you will see that by breathing in the documents general direction you are perceived to have acknowledged their existence and are thus bound by the contract."
Voldemort had down some pretty damn evil things in his time, burned down some orphanages, terrorised some muggles and kicked some puppies but he had never resorted to Lawyers. There were some things that you just didn't do.
"Isn't there anything we could do to stop this."
"You could fill out a red counter claim adjustment form and file it at the judiciary. That would clear this right up."
"Great, how do we do that?"
"Oh I'm sorry Mr. Potter the extension for dismissing my clients case has ended."
"When."
"Just now Mr. Potter, when you said 'how'. I am sorry but there is nothing you can do about it."
With a sound like bullets hitting the ground the little lawyer closed his briefcase bowed to both men and politely tiptoed back through the battle field, avoiding the fallen around him. Occasionally reaching down to place a business card in the hands of those to stunned to resist.
Harry looked down at the papers, up at the lawyer, now a gray dot, and back down at Voldemort. "And you're the one who is meant to be evil."
With a helping hand Harry pulled Voldemort to his feet. "Well there are the kittens." Voldemort muttered. "You know I could murder a curry." At that Voldemort stared to pat down his robes for a cigarette.
"Actually so could I. Do you think any one would notice if we left early?" Around them the battle still raged, good against evil, friend against foe, father against son, Picard against Kirk. Looking around Harry smiled.
"They look like there having too much fun and I don't have the heart to stop them."
"I know this great place in Soho that makes the meanest kebab."
"Sounds great, you're paying."
"What?"
"You killed my parents remember."
"Oh yeah, you got me there." With that the two began to wander off in what they hoped was the right direction for a curry.