Dominari Liber! Concept Critique

By **JVCA**. 20/07/08, 02:47 pm

Mkay, so this whole idea was originally just a whim that Alex came up with, but we ended up fleshing it out a bit and as I've been working on my design assignment, I've been thrashing it out much more, and... I'm really curious to know whether it's as good as I think is. Admittedly there are some influences from outside sources, and I will point them out as I go. :)

Anyway, for my design boards this year, I can do one of four briefs, and one of those is an anime design thingmajiger. I asked Alex if he could give me a story to base it around, and this is what it's become.

The setting is sort of... Semi- V for Vendetta-ish. No specific country - I guess AU. It's very steampunk, the pictures I see in my head. Anyway, Bianca (19) is probably living in a upper-middle-class-ish type house (not amazingly wealthy, but two-story house - nice enough. LOL Alex says the steampunk equivalent of a Dannemora house). She doesn't have a family but is supported by money left behind by deceased relative/parents are away on travel - regardless, is looked after by a maidservant (middle-aged, no-nonsense but kind and portly. Mad cook-ish, without the mad, lol, in way of appearance).

Anyway, a large package is delivered to her, and when she opens it, she finds an invitation to the masque ball, sitting on top of some paper tissue. She pushes aside the paper tissue to discover an amazingly realistic, beautifully intricate dog mask (This sort of patterning, I envision, but less goofy looking, more elegant. LOL CORGI), nestled on top of a ball gown. Curiousity gets the best of her, and she decides to take this strange, unexpected invitation. (Hahah, dumass. Seriously, did no one ever tell her not to take candy from strangers?)

Anyway, at the ball something bad happens (still trying to figure this one out - any ideas? It's currently the assasination of the Queen. Cliche much? >.>lll)(Also, did anyone watch Traveller? I think that's what it was called. I didn't, I only saw the ad, but that's where this idea came from), and the perpetrator escapes in plain view. She disappears into the crowd, face masked by an intricate dog mask. (In other words, looking the exact same as Bianca). The authorities react immediately, and seeing Bianca, order her arrest. Confused and terrified, she runs, tripping over in her high heels and half blinded by the mask, she rips them both off and keeps running (again, idiot. They now have her shoe size/toeprints + can see her face). The authorities are relentless, and she can't keep going much longer. Desperately, she runs down an alleyway, and gasping for breath, she tries to hide in a doorway (believe it or not, this idea actually came from Jak II XD).

She presses herself hard against the door, trying to shrink out of sight as she hears the authorities coming, when the door gives way behind her. Falling back hard into a dim room, she lands on the floor, and the door swings shut behind her. Behind the door, she hears the stamping noises of heavy boots run past, and further and further away. Relief washes over her, and trembling, she hauls herself up and tries to open the door, only to find it's locked.

With little else to do, she decides to look around, at what appears to be an old library of sorts. At a loss for what to do, and mildly curious, she wanders open to one of the shelves, and pulls off a book. A leatherbound tome, she brushes the dust off the cover and squints to read the title - "Nomen". (CCS much?) Opening the book to a random page, she sees lots of small, handwritten writing and several diagrams, one of which being a medium sized brass key. A small ball of light floats above the book, and the very key pictured in the book materializes. Mesmerized by the now floating book, and the key floating above it, she reaches out for the key, and the moment she grasps it, the book drops to the floor with a loud flood, the light snuffing out.

The noise seems to rouse the librarian, who, until now had sat unnoticed, sleeping in a chair in the corner. Spluttering awake, he asks who's there (think maybe like the disney version of Merlin?), the old man lights a candle, and waves the light around while peering through his small spectacles. Seeing Bianca, and the book, he asks her if she would like to make a withdrawal, and pretty much forces a library card and the book upon her (like an absent minded accidentally persistant salesman). Setting the candle down on his desk, and dozing off again, Bianca looks at the book, and the key in her hand, then the door. On a whim, she decides to try the door with the key, and low and behold, it opens the lock. Stepping out, the authorities long gone, she flees the alley, a small dark shape flitting behind her.

Making her way as unconspicously as possible back home, she sees a police officer, and darts into another alley, taking the dark passage to avoid him, but continue on home. Suddenly, a small boy leaps at her, tackling her down, and tries to wrest the book from her. The boy appears to be a scruffy orphan, dressed in rags (The first time you see Monica in Dark Chronicle 2 was the inspiration here) in the dark, but when their scuffle brings them into a patch of light at the other end of the alleyway, he appears to be nothing more than a small rabbit-like creature (Kero-chan~). The two make amends, and sitting in the alley, he explains to her that his real name is Liber, and as a small boy he was cursed to be trapped in the shape of a small rabbit-thing. For a thousand years he has been stuck like this, never aging and unable to break the curse. He tells Bianca that there are three other books, and to be freed he must reunite the four books, which will in turn give him the answer.

Bianca, bewildered, refuses his request for help, and her situation coming to mind, leaps to her feet sprinting home. The house is dark when she gets there, and apprehensively, she pushes the door open gently, entering warily. Someone grabs her from behind - "Where have you been child!? What have you done? The police are swarming all over the place: they're looking for you!", her maidservant hisses. Bianca explains as well as she can that she didn't do it, and she thinks she's been framed, and the maid scolds her for going to the ball, and tells her she has to find a way to clear her name. Exasperated, Bianca asks how, and Nomen chips in about the properties of the other books (described below). Resigned to collecting the books so she can clear her name, Bianca agrees to help Nomen, and her maid cuts off her long hair in a bid to make her less recognisable, giving her some travel clothes, and basically just preparing her for being on the run.

{Insert random stuff here for a while; lapsing of time}

Sitting on a pile of crates in a busy market with a pile of apples on his lap, Felix (23) watches the crowd broodily. His eyes fall on a young woman, as someone bumps him, and the contents of his lap spill across the ground. Stooping to pick up the apples, his eyes fall on the book that also fell from his lap. Seeing it open at a page, he reads the messy scrawl of handwriting - "Bianca has the third book". Dropping the apples he'd gathered in astonishment, he looked back over at the woman he'd seen, certain that this was her secret he'd read. About to call out to her, her spotted the plain-clothes officers closing in around her, and cursing in his head, he scoops up his book, leaving the apples, and head bowed passes her, just as they close in.

Yelling, Bianca tries to run, but there are too many of them; someone holds a cloth to her face, and everything goes black.

Basically, she ends up in a cell, and gets interrogated and such, and Felix comes and breaks her out, and they go looking for the books together. That's kind of all the storyline we have thus far. So now for some specifics:

The books:

Book One - Arcanum: The Secrets Book. This book is a book of secrets. When the user is near someone they can open the book to see a random secret of theirs - if the user is in tune with the book the secret will be of their choosing. Some people's minds cannot be tampered by the book.

Book Two - Tempus: The Timeline Book. This book holds the events of the future and past. When the user is in tune with the book they can choose the event they want to see(ie. they want to see the event that 'person' will be in at 'time'). When not in tune the book is hard to use - the events being random.

Book Three - Nomen: The Summon Book. A dictionary filled with object names - when opened the user can make an object materialize. (ie. opens book to a page with carrot, a carrot will appear.) The book is randomized until the user has mastered the use and is in tune with the book.

Book Four - Cognitio: The Knowledge Book. The fourth book contains all knowledge. It is desired by a number of philosophers and researchers. It is known to hold the meaning of life. The book does not contain personal knowledge. To use - mentally ask a question, open the book to a page and it will show the answer to the question. This is the hardest book to use as it requires a great connection with the book and an immense amount of concentration. There is a theory that to gain full control you must have good intentions and the purest mind.

The characters - you may have noticed the odd ages between Bianca and Felix - that's because when we did the character design, we decided to use chinese zodiac 'personalities' to define them (we're lazy ;D). Bianca is a dog (see why the mask? D; ), while Felix is a Tiger, and Nomen is a rabbit. Bianca, by starsign, gets along with them both well, but Felix and Nomen both rub each other the wrong way a bit - maybe kinda like Fai and Kurogane do in Tsubasa, though that wasn't the inspiration and they're totally different personalities. XP

Anyway:

Character: Bianca
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Zodiac sign: Dog
Blood type: AB
Personality Traits:
• Loyal
• Honest
• Inspires confidence as can keep secrets
• Can be selfish/arrogant
• Stubborn
• Eccentric
• Can be emotionally cold and distant
• Tries to keep problems to herself
• Critical of things
• Has some amount of self-control
• Indecisive - freezes when critical decisions are needed, loses cool and gets fearful

The other two haven't been written out as explicitly, but so you can see:

Tiger people are sensitive, given to deep thinking, capable of great sympathy. They can be extremely short-tempered, however. Other people have great respect for them, but sometimes tiger people come into conflict with older people or those in authority. sometimes Tiger people cannot make up their minds, which can result in a poor, hasty decision or a sound decision arrived at too late. They are suspicious of others, but they are courageous and powerful. Tigers are most compatible with Horses, Dragons, and Dogs.

People born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious. They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste. Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky. They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind. Rabbit people seldom lose their temper. They are clever at business and being conscientious, never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise. They are most compatible with those born in the years of the Sheep, Pig, and Dogs.

Ummm... Yeah. So that's amazingly long. I wonder if there's a character limit on this thing. XD Thoughts? We're wondering what to do about the other two books - so far, all we've got is "Oh no, the historians are coming!" XDDD (a joke about the history book).

By Pyro. 20/07/08, 02:54 pm

Ooh, sounds good.

xD
I laughed at the door bit.
I cannot hide behind doors in Jak. I fail at it.

Can you explain what you're doing with it a bit more though?
I'm puzzled.

By **JVCA**. 20/07/08, 03:07 pm

Yay~! Yeah, hiding in doorways and under bridges was my specialty in Jak. *is coward*

You mean, what's the end result? Well, to waffle a little more:

I think we're generally trying to escalate it into something semi-epic (lol), and -17 points for you if you can't already figure out that there will be a Bianca/Felix pairing, though I'm not sure that that's how they'll be at the end (...mind you, it's not like there are any other characters for her to be with atm, lol). The general answer is... "I'm not *entirely* sure" XDDD

EDIT: More to add, actually. A lot of the adversity that this plotline is otherwise missing is going to come from Bianca's quest to clear her name... and the real criminal's quest to stop her. Giant evil organisations or something. Ionno, haven't entirely figured out who the villain is, or why they do whatever crime (any suggestions for what the crime should be, btw?), but I want to try and make sure we don't veer too far from either side of the plot - the gathering of the books, and Bianca's framed-ness.

**Guest** Guest

The story idea is pretty fantastic. Kinda Sue-y but that might be in your description rather than the actual story Very Happy

. I LOVE the idea of basing character interactions et cetera on the zodiac. Blood type? Dedication there! Very Happy

So Felix has the Arcarnum right?

Like Pyro I'm confused with what you're doing. Is this your design board?!?! Or did it just start from there?

EDIT: Thats' twice this evening you've beat me to posting!

By Pyro. 20/07/08, 03:13 pm

JVCA wrote:: Yay~! Yeah, hiding in doorways and under bridges was my specialty in Jak. *is coward*

You mean, what's the end result? Well, to waffle a little more:

I think we're generally trying to escalate it into something semi-epic (lol), and -17 points for you if you can't already figure out that there will be a Bianca/Felix pairing, though I'm not sure that that's how they'll be at the end (...mind you, it's not like there are any other characters for her to be with atm, lol). The general answer is... "I'm not *entirely* sure" XDDD

EDIT: More to add, actually. A lot of the adversity that this plotline is otherwise missing is going to come from Bianca's quest to clear her name... and the real criminal's quest to stop her. Giant evil organisations or something. Ionno, haven't entirely figured out who the villain is, or why they do whatever crime (any suggestions for what the crime should be, btw?), but I want to try and make sure we don't veer too far from either side of the plot - the gathering of the books, and Bianca's framed-ness.

-_-
Damn, I'm minus 17 points, then...

But uh, what's a design board?

By **JVCA**. 20/07/08, 03:22 pm

Yup, that's the Arcanum Felix has. And for design I'll be designing Bianca's general character design, a logo, a DVD Case and Disc (when I do Dominari Liber properly, I'll do it as a manga, but for design I have to have a 3d element (ie., dvd case), so my design boards are for the anime. xD), and Nomen's rabbit form-thing. And one or two more things that I haven't decided on yet. :3

Just for the sake of con-crit, are there any aspects which scream "SUE!" too loudly for comfort, and any reccomendations/suggestions/improvements you can suggest?

The blood type thing is actually lazyness, not dedication! XD Also used to help define the characters -

Japanese Blood Type Personality Chart
Type A
Best Traits: Earnest, creative, sensible, calm.
Worst Traits: Fastidious, overearnest.
Type B
Best Traits: Wild, a doer, cheerful.
Worst Traits: Selfish, irresponsible, arrogant.
Type AB
Best Traits: Cool, controlled, rational.
Worst Traits: Critical, indecisive.
Type O
Best Traits: Agreeable, sociable, an optimist.
Worst Traits: Vain, careless, ruthless.

And as for the posting thing - What can I say? It's an art.

(Actually, I just have no life and live on the internet).

@Pyro: Hahah, Ionno, I'm kinda curious about that idea. I kinda wanna make it happen, but then that's cliche, but then wooo, an older man (XD), how exotic/forbidden love - Ionno. But yeah - in case I didn't make it clear enough before, their ages are as they are because to have those zodiac star signs, he'd have to be four years older than her.

And for NCEA, in art subjects at the end of the year, you have to produce (in y13) 3 A1 sized boards of work. :3

By Pyro. 20/07/08, 03:30 pm

JVCA wrote:: Yup, that's the Arcanum Felix has. And for design I'll be designing Bianca's general character design, a logo, a DVD Case and Disc (when I do Dominari Liber properly, I'll do it as a manga, but for design I have to have a 3d element (ie., dvd case), so my design boards are for the anime. xD), and Nomen's rabbit form-thing. And one or two more things that I haven't decided on yet. :3

Just for the sake of con-crit, are there any aspects which scream "SUE!" too loudly for comfort, and any reccomendations/suggestions/improvements you can suggest?

The blood type thing is actually lazyness, not dedication! XD Also used to help define the characters -

Japanese Blood Type Personality Chart
Type A
Best Traits: Earnest, creative, sensible, calm.
Worst Traits: Fastidious, overearnest.
Type B
Best Traits: Wild, a doer, cheerful.
Worst Traits: Selfish, irresponsible, arrogant.
Type AB
Best Traits: Cool, controlled, rational.
Worst Traits: Critical, indecisive.
Type O
Best Traits: Agreeable, sociable, an optimist.
Worst Traits: Vain, careless, ruthless.

And as for the posting thing - What can I say? It's an art.

(Actually, I just have no life and live on the internet).

@Pyro: Hahah, Ionno, I'm kinda curious about that idea. I kinda wanna make it happen, but then that's cliche, but then wooo, an older man (XD), how exotic/forbidden love - Ionno. But yeah - in case I didn't make it clear enough before, their ages are as they are because to have those zodiac star signs, he'd have to be four years older than her.

And for NCEA, in art subjects at the end of the year, you have to produce (in y13) 3 A1 sized boards of work. :3

I personally was thinking more that she and rabbit boy'd fall in twu wuv, personally.
It'd be a bit of a twist. ;D

And thanks for the explanation.

By **JVCA**. 20/07/08, 03:36 pm

Oooh~ It most certainly would be. D: I was thinking already, actually, that part of the conflict between Felix and Liber would be their rivalling affections for Bianca, but it'd definitely be interesting if Liber "won", so to speak. Did you know that originally, Felix was gunna be a Rabbit, and he was gunna be two years younger than Bianca? o_O It seems so weird to me, comparing his character at 17 with his character at 23. O_o

**Guest** Guest

I did not know that Japanese culture assinged personality traits to blood types. Wow. I don't even know what my blood type is!

Right, concrit:
The Sue-y bit is where Biana is young, alone, rich and with doting "aunt" figure. That really screams "SUE!". But thats just the set-up. The character trait list is really good though and provided you could make her flaws into things that actually cause trouble, then that should get rid of most of the rest of the Sue-ness. Unless of course she turns out to be a princess Very Happy

. Then you're sunk.

Does that help?

Although, you've but her on a fine line of being honest, secret keeping and emotionally distant. Very honest people have trouble with those two and very secretive and distant people have trouble being honest.
I for example am honest less because its a lifestyle choice and more because I'm really bad at lying and so dont try. But it means that if I get put in a position where I'm asked to keep a secret thats fine, but if someone else then asks me I can not tell the secret but I have a really hard time hiding the fact that there IS a secret.

By **jpwise**. 21/07/08, 03:32 am

It's an interesting storyline. The hard part is trying not to repeat too many common memes with these types of storylines, otherwise it becomes too predictable (ie: boring), if you can avoid that it sounds interesting.

unekorn: yeah, I'd heard about blood types being used before, apparently it's quite common for people dating in asian countries to check what blood type people are. I've got no idea what mine is either though, lol.

I wouldn't necessarily say secretive and distant people have trouble being honest, but they may have trouble relating to people in an up front manner without couching their terms. It's not quite a doublespeak, but I've been guilty of it myself from time to time (blame work), not lying per se, but phrasing things ambiguously, or in a manner than can be interpreted in more than one way. That said, people who are familiar with it can usually read between the lines and be aware of the possible meanings.

As for the zodiac years thing, just checked mine, quite freaky it's not off by much. http://www.chinesezodiac.com/signs.php Edit: OK, so the overview certainly isn't flattering, but the actual details if you click into the sign are a bit better.

By **JVCA**. 23/07/08, 04:40 pm

The honest/secretive thing works. I guess, it's modelled off a character flaw of mine, hahah. I'm quite good at keeping my problems to myself, and not telling people when asked, or playing things down so as not to worry people - but when it comes to anything else I'll be totally honest. I'm a "yes hun, your butt does look big in that skirt, but try this one on - I think it'll be much more flattering" kind of person. XDDD; Funnily enough, I am an excellent liar. My only problem is a feel very guilty about my lies afterwards, which is why I rarely do it (at least outright lies - ah, funny story...)

As for the princess thing - drat! *goes to change the storyline* XP Mmm, I don't think she's rich-rich - like, she wouldn't have any gold jewellery or anything, but living comfortably enough, and have semi-decent clothing.

Anyway, just for anyone who's curious: http://jvca.deviantart.com/art/Bianca-Character-Concepts-92543725 <--- There're my character concepts. Completely different from what the final design will be, but anyway. Very Happy

By Pyro. 24/07/08, 04:31 am

Okay, I have to say, I burst out laughing at the first concept, because it looks like what would happen if Angeal knocked up Aeris. xDDD

Right now, I'm liking the second and fourth ones, because the first one won't stop scaring me in its Aeris-Angeal hybridness, the third... Feels a bit scary for how you've described her... And the fifth feels too tarty, and the sixth feels too much like some kind of Japanese gangster sitting in a back alley wearing vibrant colours, smoking and slinging abuse at passerby.

But ya know... That's just my opinion. xD

By **JVCA**. 24/07/08, 06:30 am

ROFLMAO. Love your descriptions. XD Yeah, I've actually had the final design sorted since the start, and it's going to be very similar to the second one, though I might change the colour. At this stage it's mostly about getting a variety of different concepts together and developing them. I think I'll develop two or three - I'm curious - which three would you suggest? I'm guessing 2 and 4 already, but what about the 3rd one?

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