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.hack Fanfic Halp?

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.hack Fanfic Halp?
Post By Pyro. 17/08/09, 11:18 am

I hate writing for new fandoms~
It makes me all uneasy and stuff. THEREFORE, WHEN I DO, I NEED HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CAN TELL IF I'M DOING IT WRONG WITH CHARACTERIZATION/PLOT/WHATEVER. 8D

Today; our 'new fandom' in question is .hack//G.U. Technically the .hack fandom is my oldest fandom but this is actually the first time I've done any fanfic-writing for it. Therefore...

GIVE ME CONCRIIIT. CONCRIIIT!!

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE FIC THUS FAR... UH, YES. HALP!!
(I know next to no-one knows the canon but whatever. BLAH. THE REST OF YOU CAN ENJOY MY WRITING? <3)

Quote :
There’s a sickening crunch as I’m knocked back by the flailing tail of the Helen I’m up against. Gritting my teeth, I throw myself back at it, tossing a set of green lasers, releasing leaf-bombs from my tail. A few seconds unfold; and the bombs detonate, draining away more of the AIDA’s health. Spraying out bullets, I give a small cheer as the fish-like creature shows signs of slowing down. It’s time for the finale!
“Data drain!” Producing a cannon on one of my arms, I charge the shot, and fire it at the AIDA. It’s surrounded by sparks and energy for a moment, before disappearing in a puff of black spots. As the Avatar space around us collapses, I return to my normal form—Kuhn, the Steam Gunner. Dusting my hands off, I can’t help but grin. The area’s been cleared of AIDA. I’m finally finished for today. Walking back to the last platform I passed, I warp out of the area.

---


Removing the M2D from my head, I shake my hair back into position. If there’s one thing I wish they’d fix with the headsets, it’s the way they mess up my ‘do. My eyes tired from lack of sleep, I saunter over to my bed, and fall down into it. It’s one of those nights again—one of the ones where I wish I was still part of G.U. I’m pretty close to contacting Haseo, and asking for his help. The AIDA is spreading further. Tonight I went through no less than seven areas, and took out roughly seventeen signals. Sometimes, I wonder how much more of this I can take. Shuffling under the covers, my eyes drift closed, wanting nothing more than to sleep.

---


“Tomonari!” My employer’s shouts penetrate my half-waking world. It’s early, I’m still practically asleep… and I’m supposed to be fixing the DDR machine. Joy. “Earth to Kasumi? We need help getting this thing to work! C’mon!” Clustered around the device in question, two of my colleagues and my boss repeatedly hit the ‘down’ arrow, desperately trying to get it to work. I can hardly be bothered going over there.
“If you’re not going to help, then at least phone C.C. Corp. and ask them about the M2Ds they were supposed to send us. Hurry up, kid!” Beads of sweat trickle down the red face of my aging boss, and in a sudden moment of attentiveness, I realize he has a crumb of food stuck in his moustache. Huh. Never mind that, though. Journeying to the back room, I find the phone amidst piles of post-it notes and paperwork, and dial in the number for C.C. Corp. I still haven’t told my boss I work there part time—this is one of those days I’m glad for it. If he knew, he’d be pressuring me to call them more often. I don’t really like phoning—one time I caught a girl from ‘The World’ on there, and she chewed me out for not meeting up with her to play more often. Yeesh.
“Hello, this is C.C. Corporation, how may we help you today?” A woman’s voice answers. After a moment, I shake my tired delirium and realize I know this lady. It’s Reiko—or, should I say, it’s Pi.
“… Reiko?” I groan, unable to even attempt a cheery attitude thanks to my tiredness. I can almost hear the change in demeanor as she recognizes my voice.
“Ku—err, Tomonari! What are you doing calling?”
“Nothing, just trying to track down some M2Ds my arcade ordered. Why are you operating the phones?”
“We’re short-staffed right now. Winter, and all that. What’s the name of your arcade? I’ll track the order.”
“Cyberland. Hey, how’s G.U going? Can’t be too busy if they’ve got you answering phones.”
“We sent them yesterday; I’m sorry for the delay. Look, can we talk later? I’ve got business to attend to,” Before I can respond, she cuts me off with a short “Bye, Kuhn.” The phone is slammed down on the other end. Well, that went surprisingly well.
“Hey, Mr. Sato? The M2Ds should be here by Friday.”

---


For the sixth night in a row, I set out after AIDA in the more remote dungeons of The World. Firing off a series of bullets into a monster, I press onwards, determined to find my targets. But the pull of tiredness is in me. I’ve been doing way too many all-nighters lately, trying to clear out as much AIDA as I can. I have to better the efforts of Pi and Haseo. I have to protect the players better than G.U does, or my solo mission will be for nothing. I have to justify my loneliness. Finally, I spot the black specks, sitting in the horizon. Breaking Kuhn into a sprint, I set towards the AIDA, glad to have finally found it. As my character runs, I begin to summon Magus. The Avatar symbols appear on him, and player merges with character. Moments later, it’s almost as if I’m inside the game. Everything is real to my eyes—the data streams, circling my target and I like a barrier, and the rainbow colors that make Avatar space.
“My… Magus!” I shout, but something goes horribly, horribly wrong. The usual feeling of becoming one with Magus, entering the form of the plant-Phase, is entirely lost. My symbols fade, as does the Avatar space, but the link between Kuhn and I does not. I try to force Magus to appear once again, but the attempt fails. And suddenly, I realize why. I touch a hand to my back, and it comes away covered in black dots. Glancing behind me, I spot a second cloud of AIDA. I’ve been tricked by the virus… and now I’m infected.

My connection to the real world begins to waver. Instead of my warm room, I feel the bitter cold of the dungeon. My clothes become heavy, as the feeling of pajamas switches to the feeling of armor. But most noticeable is the burning pain in my back, where the AIDA struck me. It feels like its clawing its way into me, digging beneath my skin, burrowing down into my character. The further it penetrates, the more hopeless my struggle feels, the more I lose control. The AIDA squirms deeper.
“Get… get outta my body!” I roar, flopping to the ground, digging the tips of my fingers in from the pain. Its no longer just a burning sensation—it’s the feeling of being ripped apart, as though the entirety of me wants to die. Who would willingly give themselves to this pain? I issue out more choked cries, sounding more akin to a dying animal than a grown man. Finally caving in as the AIDA reaches my core, I fall from my hands and knees and into a lying position. Magus still battles the AIDA, but he’s losing out too. How long will it be until I lose to it completely? Why did I leave G.U? Why am I always helpless to battle these things?

That fire Magus was fueling burns out, and the AIDA seeps through me, tainting my character. The battle against the AIDA has exhausted me, and it’s all I can do now to pass out.

(Next chapter in the next post, I guess. xD)
Pyro
Pyro
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Re: .hack Fanfic Halp?
Post By Pyro. 17/08/09, 11:19 am

WHEE, NEXT CHAPTER.

Quote :
“Get up, fool,” A boot connects with my stomach, making me cry out in pain. Eyes flashing open, I can’t stop myself lashing out. The man who has kicked me darts back. “Feisty.” He snarls.
“But that’s not going to help you now.” Before I know it, a blade rests on my throat. “Don’t think I’m not aware of your condition, Kuhn.” The voice sounds familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on why. Tilting my head upwards, I look at the man’s face. Sakaki, one of the Moon Tree captains… But why is he here? And why is he threatening me? He’s always seemed docile, to me. A little fishy, but nevertheless, reasonably friendly. When did he start going around attempting to PK people?
“So beautiful… the body of an Epitaph user, corrupted by AIDA.” Of course! The AIDA from before, infecting me, knocking me out, trapping me in Kuhn… But what does Sakaki want with it? More importantly, why am I still thinking straight? Doesn’t AIDA usually corrupt people’s minds? “Though, you seem quite immune to the effects of it. A pity, I would have liked another pet like Bordeaux.” Wait, Bordeaux. I’ve heard that name before… the PKer that was hunting Haseo during the last tournament. I didn’t know that she was still around.
“Kuhn, I’m going to make you a deal now that you simply won’t be able to refuse,” Pulling his blade off of me, Sakaki smiles. “Help me to take over Moon Tree, and I won’t PK you, or tell your beloved G.U that you’ve been taken over by AIDA.”
“Take over Moon Tree?”
“Yes. In case you haven’t noticed, the guild holds considerable power within The World.”
“And let me guess,” I grumble. “You want that power for yourself, don’t you?” For some reason, I’m not quite as shocked now. Sakaki is growing more and more megalomaniacal by the second, and I can tell that the kind persona he’s worn before now is nothing but a lie. He’s twisted.
“Obviously.” Predictable.
“You mentioned before that Bordeaux is your ‘pet’. And that you want another one. Where do I come into that?” But then again, I guess my question is one to be expected, as well.
“You are an Epitaph user. Need I say more, Kuhn?”
“Do you really think I’m going to agree to this?” I honestly do wonder. Come on—I’ve made it pretty plain, all my time in ‘The World’, that I’m not the sort to listen to orders if they involve harming others.
“Yes.” Sakaki’s eyes shine maliciously, as the AIDA inside me seizes up, calling out for him. I feel sick. My blood is burning. Magus must be fighting for me again; I’m really lucky to have such a caring Epitaph. Resisting a sudden urge for violence, I dig my fingers into the dirt. For the first time, I realize we’re still in the dungeon I had been tracking AIDA in. How did Sakaki find me here? The pain still burning in me, I pull myself into a standing position, letting go of the ground. I have to get up sometime, right? Almost a moment later, I’m pulled down into the dirt again. Magus’ battle against the AIDA is too painful for me to ignore. Sakaki’s hand wraps around my arm, and drags me up from my crumpled position on the ground.
“What are you doing?” I moan.
“Showing you what I can do if you question me.” The AIDA’s battle against Magus suddenly ceases.
“Are you… controlling the AIDA?”
“Oh, clever boy,” Letting go, I’m left hunched over, but on my feet, regardless. “Yes, the AIDA is mine to manipulate… I can plunge you into a world of pain like you’ve never imagined before, should you choose to doubt me again.” Damn it… I can’t let him wear me down! I can’t let him force me into anything. An Epitaph user can’t give themselves over to AIDA, it’d totally unbalance the system. For a moment, I regret leaving G.U more than ever.
“So Kuhn, will you reconsider my offer now?” I shake my head. I’m never going to give Magus’ power to a megalomaniac like this. “Such a pity.”
“Why?”
“Because if you won’t accept my demands willingly… then I’ll have to make you,” Setting the AIDA in me aflame once more, Sakaki forces me up against one wall. “I was hoping to end this civilly, but you’ve really left me no choice, Kuhn.” His character freezes for a moment; as he brings up his menu. I want to run, but I’m too weak. The AIDA is burning, burning—it hurts so much I want to scream, but I can’t. Somehow, I can’t. The pain is enough that I reach to my chest and clutch at it, as though trying to massage away the pain. Or maybe I’m trying to gouge out my heart and end the torment? I can’t tell any more. It’s like my body isn’t my own. I’m moving under the control of someone else; a puppet. Sakaki breaks from his stiff position, and draws out a transparent red orb.
“Ideally I would have used this on myself; but no matter, I’m sure I can acquire another,” The AIDA no longer claws into me. Now it’s reaching for the orb, which is pulsing with power. “Open up, Kuhn.” In one swift movement, Sakaki jams the orb into my chest, the AIDA in me all charging closer to it. I feel a million emotions seize up in me—sorrow, anger, hatred, lust, regret. Soon, however, they all manifest into one simple, primitive feeling: overwhelming loneliness. I feel like I’ve been trodden into the dirt, forgotten by the world. Inside me, only the pain of being ignored remains. The pain of being left alone. Magus has abandoned me, ceased to battle on my part. Am I really so reproachable? Am I so disgusting—so reprehensible that my own Avatar would abandon me? Sakaki grins smugly at me.
“Feeling more willing to join in now?” He asks. I shouldn’t. I’d be betraying all my ideals, all the things I’ve worked towards. To join AIDA in destroying the lives of all the people I’ve fought for… A pang of sorrow rises in me as I realize none of them knew about my efforts to begin with, but I pass it off as the infection. All this emotion is coming from only one source: the AIDA, trying to play with my mind. I’ve got to fight it. I can’t hand myself over. I shake my head in response to Sakaki’s question.
“I’m not weak like you,” I tell him, trying to feel the words I say. I’ve got to talk myself out of this despair. It’s the only way I can keep myself from doing something awful. “There’s no way I’ll help you… with anything you’re planning.” Sakaki looks surprised for a moment, but a smirk soon returns to his face.
“Fine. Run along, then. I’m sure I can find you later.” His last few words worry me, but the rest of the sentence makes me feel truly happy. Finally, I can get away from this psychopath. He moves back, allowing me free passage to leave the dungeon. A platform can’t be far from here… “See you around… Kuhn.” I freeze. Sakaki’s voice strikes sudden fear into me. After a moment I shake the worry away, and continue to walk the path to where I remember the platform being. Taking a few turns, I eventually find the giant blue orb. Bringing up a list of locations before my eyes; I select ‘root town’, and teleport back to Mac Anu. As soon as I enter the town, I make a break for the hidden back-alleys, where I can skulk around without fear of attracting attention from G.U or any of my other friends. Friends? … Damn it, the AIDA is messing with me again. I hold my forehead in one hand as I try to remove the negative thoughts it’s pouring into me. Sitting down next to a small channel, I focus on clearing my head. I can’t let the AIDA control me… I glance down at the water, and see Kuhn reflected back. Is it just me, or is that yellow on my outfit less bright today? Is my hair falling out of my bandana, or am I just imagining things? There’s one thing I’m definitely not imagining. My eyes have turned a pitch black color, with yellow irises. There had to be some obvious change in my PC data, I suppose.
“Hm?” I hear a voice behind me. Whipping around, I realize that it’s Atoli… What’s she doing back here? I close my eyes immediately so she can’t see their coloration. “Kuhn?” She trots over to me, and sits down beside me.
“Why’ve you got your eyes closed? Are you sleeping?” I shake my head. “Are you okay, Kuhn?” I shake my head again.
“… Can you tell me why?” She clasps one of my hands up in hers. My eyes open involuntarily. Atoli draws back. “Your… your eyes!”

Aaand that's all I've got so far.

Thoughts? Positives? Negatives? Epic fail bits?

Reasons I should never try writing from Kuhn's POV again?

SANKYUU. <3
Pyro
Pyro
Winner of the Infinitely Quotable Award

Number of posts : 3934
Age : 26
Location : Auckland
Transforms into : Tik-Tok Tibenoch
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Re: .hack Fanfic Halp?
Post By Selphiroth. 17/08/09, 12:02 pm

Lovely! We can always do with more Dothack love. After all the game has like almost five fans in the entire country. <333

I think you are doing really well, I especially love the section of Kuhn at work. How I expect him to be, smart enough to do well, just can't be butted with real life!

The only concrits I can think of is I think you could use more paragraphs. Kuhn does come up with bursts of thoughts rather than conjoined streams, which is fine and fits his character well; but I think it would've worked a little better if the paragraphs were broken down to reflect the changes.

Also, there's the punctuation when it comes to quotes. Commas are usually used at the point of joining* For example:

Wrong:
"Oh, I'm a little cold." Said Pi.
Kuhn smirked. "I don't think it's cold at all! You don't need to put on anymore clothes."

Right:
"Oh, I'm a little cold," Said Pi.
Kuhn smirked, "I don't think it's cold at all! You don't need to put on anymore clothes."

(*I'm not THAT sure about this as this is my achilles heel, along with everything else involving English grammar. If anyone have clearer ideas, PLEASE TELL. )

I still think you did wonderfully well though. Not like I can write for eggplants, ;D
Selphiroth
Selphiroth
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Re: .hack Fanfic Halp?
Post By Pyro. 17/08/09, 01:53 pm

You, me... who are the other three? xP

I could always use more paragraphs. xD I'm bad at making things lengthy-- I'll take note that I should try and improve my length problems sometime.

I was reading some books just then; and they all used full stops to join sentences, so I think that's what you use. ^^;;

-gives you an eggplant anyway-
<3
Pyro
Pyro
Winner of the Infinitely Quotable Award

Number of posts : 3934
Age : 26
Location : Auckland
Transforms into : Tik-Tok Tibenoch
Gender : Female
Registration date : 2007-12-03

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